Why I'm went crazy on that bbq nite???

Before I tell u what happen on that night, please let me ask u a question-- what is the true meaning of alone/lonely???

I can sure tell u... no one can answered this question correctly except a person who know the feeling... while a person is suffering alone/lonely, no one will able help the person unless himself/herself..

Do u know when a person is suffering alone/lonely, and u go and tell them:"Don't mind it, there is a lot of people are more worse than u, don't give up, keep fighting your journey.." are actually hurting them?? Yes of course u are helping them, give them advise，give them comfort.. but in their mind, they don't think like this. Why? Because the person who really suffer lonely understand what are the people thinking, u know? Especially they face and same problem. I'm the example.. Since the incident had happened in almost 11 years ago in my life.....

I still can remember what happened on that day's night. After that night, my life had change a lot and my character.. On that night, I saw my parents have fight with each other, I saw it with my eyes and this is the first time I saw it.. Maybe u will say:"I also saw my parents had a fight with each other, no need be exaggerate..." Yes.. u right..every child must have been watched their parents had a fight, but I'm not that lucky.. My parents' fight until now are still keep on.. Every time they fight, they came and ask me:"who will u help? when we divorce, who will u follow?"Can u imagine, a little boy with only 7 years old have to experience all this until now, what is his feeling?? How he manage to pull it off for 11 years? Every one of u I believe u had a wonderful, fun, difficult to forget childhood moments.. Same to me, I also have difficult to forget childhood moments, but that moments are the worst childhood moment to me..

At that time, I'm being a cry baby for whole years, every day, every night, every moment, every seconds when I think back what happened every night... They still ask me the same question.. U know how I answered them?? I said:"both of u.." This answer I had answered them every time... that moment I haven't feeling I'm the worst, I always think they are have some people more worse than me.. Until one night... they have a fight again... this time they didn't ask me the same question but my father take a can of beer and pesticides, came to my room... open the beer in front of me... and spray the pesticides on the beer... and drink it in front of me... Do u know how am I feeling at that moment?? Watching my father drink the beer that has pesticides in it??? I can't do anything but watch... Luckily my mother has beside him and took the beer from him and throw it away... That is the moment.. the lonely feeling has come knock my heart's door... I never can forget that moment... I never can keep on my journey with full of happiness, laugh because the darkness has come... I starts thinking with negative mind.. Why I couldn't not be myself like my sister?? She don't know anything of it u know? Why? Because she is a OKU...

After that night, I suddenly can feel the world's feeling who are suffering from the painful feeling, lonely feeling and any feeling that can't stay with happy feeling.. I understand how they feel, understand what they want.. Even now, I still can feel it.. After a years from that incident, I think I'm 9 years old if I not mistaken, I saw a book.. the title of the book is call "真心".. I can't remember who is the author, I bought the book and I read it.. It really boring and make me finish it in 2 hours... I saw testimonials from the author... he say: "try and look the cover, the word "真" has less 1 stroke than the normal 10 stroke. If u really see it, please read this book again.." I go and look at the cover and found out that word really less 1 stroke in the middle.. it suppose has 3 lines in the middle but here only 2.. So I go and read it and read it again... still the same... until I read the preface.. it say:" the meaning of the 3 lines in the middle of word "真", are your love to your family, friends and yourself. If u only saw 2 lines or even less, means u have loss one of them." Now I realize, I must love myself before I make other happy...But it seems the GOD wouldn't let me do this... Until a week before SPM starts, they still do the same things on me, don't know why my emotion suddenly explode like a volcano and I scold them:"Please!! How many years have u both been fighting!!!! Every time u both fight and u both come and ask me!!! I'm totally suffer enough!!! I can't take it anymore!!! Please let me go!!! Please solve your both own problem!!! Please don't find me anymore!!! I suffer enough!!" That time is the 1st time I scold my parents.. and I know I shouldn't scold my parents because they have born me, take care of me while I'm still in baby... I just wanna have a happy moments.... Is that really hard to get it???

Thats why I want make u all have fun, laugh, having a happy moments while u all are being with me.. I always try my best to make u all feel happy while together with me.. I can tell u.. I could do anything to make u all feel happy, thats why I don't care about what I learn in bad language, stupid acting or anything else, as long as u all have a happy moment everyday.. Why? I don't want have other person fell into the loneliness, I felt it before, it is really a world that u all shouldn't go...I tell myself, this is the GOD had give me this duty, I understand why HE make the incident happened to me, HE done this all because HE want me take the duty and help HIM give the lights to all of u.. But in last month, I saw again the word "真" has again lost 1 stroke on it... to make sure what I just saw is imagination, I have this bbq night just to make sure I'm still able bring u all a happy moment...

Wei Shi, Siow Wei, remember what I said on that night? I have spoke the 3 main purpose that I have this gathering.. Actually I have the 4th purpose, to make sure that I didn't lose myself into the alone world again.. I thought I didn't lost it while u all are busy taking photo..I still can be thr Ricky that u all know..But while I close my eyes and slept on the field... something has come to my dream... u all know what is it? Is the demon from the world that I had stayed before.. He make me think back what sad and terrible moment I had experience before especially the moments when my parents keep on asking me the same question... Thats why I suddenly went crazy and cry on that night and keep on
saying:"不要找我","不要理我","好痛苦"..U all know what happen after that night?? I... don't have the ability to make u all happy again.... I can't pretend as the stupid, happy Ricky anymore... I realize that once I make u all happy, my "lock" in my heart will become more and more... because... I can't find anymore keys in the happy feeling of u all...

So.. to all my dearest friends, please.. don't make yourself feel lonely, sad, fall into any negative things... Believe me.... it is hard to pull out after u fell into it.... and please.... don't ever forget what u have a happy moment with someone, girl/boyfriend, and anyone else... because that is the most powerful medicine to your hearts....Therefore, Siow Wei... here I want to tell u...keep a positive thinking and a happy hearts "MAY" let u see every moment until the end of your journey... and Wei Shi, I believe u has a high EQ, u can face any challenge that block in front of u with your smile, smart brain(maybe), that why u had make me fell in love with u in a moment, after that I know I didn't fell in love with u, I'm just admire u.. U has a good relationship with your family, anything just with a pure smile, use hearts to do anything.. What u have is the things I don't have...(maybe u just pretend it, but i can feel it)... to my friends.. please don't make yourself regret, never turn back(can look back), take your story's main theme, bring it to the end of yours' story..... Hope u all can b happy always....

Ricky